And I will love you till I run out of love,
And if that happens, I’ll love myself less to love you more.
Why me, didn’t he see me as human enough to give value to my innocence,
Maybe I wasn’t good enough to be deserving of that respect ,
Maybe I deserved it, that was the feeling,
Why didn’t they like me, maybe they knew it, how less he made me feel, how he diminished my person.
I wish they trained me in him, God I mean, because he would’ve told me from the start, that he’d bring out the light from the darkness I was in,
The light I now see, I don’t even know why I’m writing this,
It won’t change what happened,
life through heat, roughed me,
But God brought out the best,
and purged me as a silver, and made me clean.
There is a place I love to go when I’m thinking, that moment in my mind where everything was perfect, where everything was okay.
It isn’t an atmosphere where every feeling colors blue,
Every one is happy, but not like La la land, with dancing shoes,
Its a real place, I know it is.
In my head I try to find it, 5,6,7,8…. Years of age but still, nothing, every memory in me, has me wanting something, lacking something, there hasn’t been a perfect moment, nor me.
I’ll start from 5.
In a pink dress, without color in the dark, I walked into his room,
“she’s calling you my mom, she’s calling you”, silence.
I couldn’t see his face, it was blackness everywhere,
Maybe I shouldn’t complete this story, as long as it has been, its still traumatizing,
It’s a beginning, I shouldn’t revisit.
I can’t write, I can’t write! not one word, not even my poetic thoughts, my head is full of so many beautiful words, but I forget them all when I try to share it with the world. Father I love writing, it makes me happy, it gladens me, it’s a feeling that I miss, it’s one of the only things that feels real, but now I can’t write.
Ok, maybe “I”, don’t even want to write, maybe I want you, your spirit to inspire me to write, to write beautiful words like your servant David, your son’s Korah and yes like Solomon,
Father please inspire me, you’ve brought me out of the flesh to live onto you, please I want to write, for you, through the words, Jesus shining through, it’s one of many of my hearts desires that you’ve already promised to grant, and I’m so happy you’re not a man, and that you can’t lie.